Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Barack Obama's in training for a second term of office. He says if he's elected President he will also consider hunting vampires.

   Man talking with his friend: "My wife died yesterday, I'm trying to cry but tears are not coming out, what should I do?" Friend: "That's simple. Just imagine she is coming back."

   I googled 'understading women'... LMAO was the result.

   During sex, you burn as many calories as running 5 miles. Who the hell runs 5 miles in 30 seconds?!

   You don't know the difference between "your" and "you're?" It's the difference between knowing your sh!t and knowing you're shi!.

   I wish computer commands worked in real life. You make a mistake with your girlfriend = Ctrl+z. Your girlfriend dumps you = Ctrl+Alt+Delete. Your girlfriend starts seeing your best friend = sledge hammer to screen.

   I don't allow men to smoke in my room, but women can. Hell, they can barbecue a goat if they want.

   The only thing worse than reading your status is having to look at your stupid ass profile picture next to it.

   I stole this status... So feel free to use it and amaze your friends... They'll think you're really smart and sh*t!

   I copied and pasted your pic of what you ate...and got MORE "likes" than you did. :P

   I saw a leprechaun once. After enough green beers you begin to see all kinds of things...

   If I haven't done something you asked me to do and I say it's because life has "been crazy", it really means I've just been lazy.

   A man's best chance of winning any argument with a woman is if he confines it entirely in his own mind.

   Monday's should start at Noon because I can't get motivated to do anything till at least 12:30 or so on Monday's as it is.

   I sleep fully clothed for a week after a woman tells me... "Everything's going to be OK."

   I always yell at Chinese people walking their dogs because it's rude to play with your food.

   Smoked a bag of weed and ate some Mexican food and now I've got a bad case of the sh!ts and giggles.

   My plan to train the world's first tap dancing spider would have gone better had I not freaked out and stomped it to death whilst screaming like a little girl.

   True love is giving your significant other a sip from your beer glass... a real f*cking small sip though... !

   My Foot + your teeth + Contact at a high velocity = Awesome