Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   B!tch, You're a booty call, stop putting your relationship status as "it's complicated."

   Dealing with backstabbers, there was one thing I learned. They're only powerful when you got your back turned.

   When you can do the common things in life in a uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

   I have a friend with only one eye. I like to show him weird sh*t and tell him "You won't believe your eye!"

   All these years, I just realize........ Can someone please explain to me why the kids from Scooby-Doo were afraid of people in masks, but were totally cool with a talking dog?!

   When you realize you just clicked "Send" on a text to the wrong person, and you quickly hit every button on your phone to try and stop it.

   If you wake up from a night of partying with no memory of the night before, Do 3 things; 1.) Count your money 2.) Get tested 3.) Stay the hell away from where you were drinking because you probably pissed someone off.

   One of the advantages of being disorderly is constantly making exciting discoveries.

   The fastest way to succeed is to look as if you're playing by somebody else's rules, while quietly playing by your own.

   Okay....who's responsible for my "poke" finger smelling funny?

   So now if you tell a woman you want to eat her is she going to cover her face and scream?

   My girlfriend says she's going to leave me for being too impatient. I can't wait.

   If she can string a sentence together while you are f*cking her, you're not doing it hard enough.

   If the Zombie Apocolypse doesn't start out like the dance portion of the Thriller video I'm going to be pissed...........

   Please stop picturing me naked... I haven't even brushed my teeth yet!

   You're in love and I couldn't be happier for you. But can you let go of each others hands for four seconds so I can get past you on the f*ckin sidewalk?"

   I am conducting a survey to see who is the most awesome person on Facebook. To find out who it is read the first two words of this status.

   Political views are like children. Some people don't have one or want one. Others keep trying to show theirs off.

   Sorry I offended you when I called you a slut. I had no idea you thought it was a secret.

   I sent my girl to the mall with my credit card so I can relax and watch TV. I have a feeling I will pay for it later.