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Begining to question my plans to go boating with Robert Wagner this weekend. 
Why is it you never see people checking in at the adult toy store?
My identity was stolen. I hope they do a better job with my life than I did!
So, if you believe in reincarnation, on your tombstone, instead of RIP, would it say BRB?
It is safe to say that I am in the shower for a good 15 minutes before I actually start cleaning myself.
FB should just stop asking me whats on my mind and ask "What kinda nonsense do you want to tell everyone this time"
I want to be a stay at home dad... minus the kids.
Women who brag about multi-tasking should chill out. There is nothing cool about doing 3 things wrong at once!
You can really see a person's driving skills, on the way they handle the shopping cart
Everyone "shares" on occasion, but the self proclaimed Great one should be arrested for grand theft.
So the house used to film the Jersey Shore is now for rent. Can you imagine what you would see if you went thru there with a UV light? Yes, that's right.... hair gel EVERYWHERE.
If Facebook isn't a drug then someone please explain to me why I sneak into the bathroom at work to use it
If no one likes you, you want to re-evaluate yourself because not everyone can be the problem
changed his/her relationship status to "None of you damn business"
decided to take an aerobics class. I bent, twisted, and gyrated for over an hour. Unfortunately, by the time I got the leotard ON, the class was over.
can't really remember, but I think my life must have been a lot more productive before she discovered Facebook...
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enoug
I want a search engine that will tell me where my keys are.
The dog keeps licking his butt and staring at me. I don't feel bad for him though. I tried to give him toilet paper and he ate it.
If you accept a penny for your thoughts, not only are you a philosophical prostitute. You're not a very good one. 