Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Just a thought but if you infected all the undead with tetanus, wouldn't lock jaw solve the pesky zombie problem?

   If it weren't for WebMD I would have never known what symptoms to mimic so I could get all these prescriptions from my doctor.

   After finally finding a calculator and doing the math I will be able to pay off my debts at the age of 127...

   The iPhone checks my Facebook, checks my email, organizes my music, calls my Mom, and now it tracks my whereabouts? It's like having a jealous psycho girlfriend in your pocket.

   Why does every girl think it's ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?

   The best gift that God gave man is the ability to translate whatever a woman says into "blah blah blah blah blah."

   Hey there automatic flushing toilet. I love your enthusiasm but ummm..... I wasn't finished yet.

   I was driving the other day and I didn't stop at a stop sign, A police car pulled me over and a police man got out and asked "Did you see that stop sign?" Apparently I shouldn't have said "Yeah, but I didn't see you."

   Trying to understand quantum physics, because trying to understand women is just too damn hard.

   I'm thinking about opening an online Facebook rehab clinic.

   Katie must be out of her 5 yr lease contract with Tom Cruise finally

   I'm a little confused - Facebook just bought Instagram for 1 billion dollars. Didn't anyone explain that you can download it for free?

   You're the joke, I merely provide the punch line..

   'Tis the season when we buy this year's gift with our next year's money...'

   I'm going to Prehab... On the off chance that I get addictions.

   Statistically speaking, 9 out of 11 Americans will be offended by this message.

   Trying to figure out why Japan seems to be doing so well at the swimming in the Olympics... and then like a giant wave crashing down it hit me.

   My best pick up line: Excuse me, but I think you dropped this two hundred dollars for sex.

   Did you hear about the guy who robbed the store with a pair of scissors? Well long story short, apparently bullet also beats scissors.

   I saw a guy with an eye patch today, so of course I had to ask him how the fun and games were before the injury.