Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Knowledge is power... and I see a lot of weakness.

   So, I've been told hard work is the key to success, but I'm not above picking a lock every now and then.

   One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

   Whoever said the camera adds 10 pounds should stop eating cameras.

   Women fall in love by what they hear. Men fall in love by what they see. That's why most of the women put on make up and most of the men lie.

   An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.

   I will consider running a half-marathon the first time I see someone smiling while doing it.

   My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will?!? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I wanna bite."

   Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.

   The universe is 14 billion years old. It seems silly to celebrate one year... Be like having a parade every time I take a piss.

   Being a politican is like being a hooker. You can't be one unless you can pretend to like people while you're f-cking them.

   I have a sweet parking spot at the mall. I'm going to sit here for the next 10 minutes in reverse just to mess with people.

   I have deja moo... the feeling I have heard this bull before.

   Anyone who thinks unemployment benefits keep people from looking for work isn't living on unemployment benefits.

   What are a man's three favorite games? Checker, Chess & Poker. (If you didn't get this say it quickly to yourself)

   Whenever I'm leaving the work bathroom and I see the cleaning lady waiting, we exchange the knowing look that I just crapped in her office.

   Apparently, rush hour starts the second I put my key in the ignition, no matter what time I leave.

   You know how when you walk up a staircase in the dark and you can't see where the last step is? I live for that feeling.

   I like to think that when you die, you get to see your stats and high scores like at the end of a video game.

   I struggle every time someone says "I want the truth" not to tell them "you can't handle the truth!"