Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Jenna Jameson was arrested for a DUI which means she can now add the breathalyzer to the long list of things she's blown.

   Whenever I see someone calling my phone, I wait and see if they will call 10 times, if they don't, it probably wasn't that important.

   I'm fighting the worst case of bad breath EVER! It's tough holding a co-worker down while you brush his teeth.

   Whenever someone describes themselves as curvy, I always picture Owen Wilsons' nose.

   One of the things I like to say to a girl after we have sex for the first time is "Hmm, weird... I heard you were better."

   Fellas, you can usually judge a woman's hotness by how many times your girlfriend calls her a slut.

   Fellas, If a girl switches from Cowgirl to Doggy-Style on her own, without even needing to be told........ you have found a f*ck Goddess.

   Whats the point of a High School Reunion? I have Facebook, I already know you got fat!

   Considering how wonderfully the day is going, I think I'm down to plan Q today.

   If you're reading this and you're under 12 years old... Don't grow up, it's a f*cking trap.

   I stole this status... So feel free to use it and amaze your friends... They'll think you're really smart and sh*t!

   Don't know what I'd do with my life if Facebook didn't notify me that my hundreds of friends changed their profile picture every 5 minutes.

   My wife was absolutely furious when she discovered I had untagged myself from some photos she put on Facebook. I said, "They were really embarrassing!" "Embarrassing???" She screamed, "It was our f*cking wedding day you b@stard!"

   Women, not all guys talk to you just because they want to get in your pants... Sometimes they want to get in your friend's pants.

   Before I get into the shower at the gym I yell "Hey Fag!" If any one turns around I leave.

   Women are like steaks. They should be a little thick,really juicy and eaten at least once a week

   When push comes to shove, when the going gets tough, when all hell breaks loose and the sh*t hits the fan, and when all else has failed, it is I who will recite old movie quotes while waiting for somebody to do something useful.

   If I were a bathroom tile salesmen,my pitch would be:"Think how great this will look in the background of your social network pics..."

   Does anyone else feel that the only reason to drink coffee is so you are awake enough to go shopping at the liquor store or is it just me?

   If I'm ever in a horror movie, most of the scenes will be me changing my pants.