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The blue whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of sperm when mating. Only 10 percent enters the female. And you always wondered why the sea tasted salty? 
If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer... oh wait, he does.
"One Direction" has 12 letters. So does "gayyyyyyyyyy". Coincidence? I think not.
I'm not a psychologist,,, but I remember when a Hot Wheels track magically cured 80% of ADHD
Dear Santa, Don't bother coming to my house this year. I've been naughty and it was f*cking worth it, you judgemental son of a b*tch!"
Special note to all kids returning to school: If you see someone who is struggling to make friends or being bullied because he/she doesn't have many friends or because they are shy or not as pretty or not dressed in the most "in" clothes,PLEASE step up.
Thank You Kellogg's® Crunchy Nut™ cereal for the great slogan “It's morning somewhere”…Now, when I have afternoon or evening wood for no apparent reason, I have an answer….
Never trust a person with dry hands coming out of a bathroom
Women can be funny sometimes... like when they say stuff like "Let's just be friends" or "Let me go and I won't tell the cops"
RIP Khaddafi. Also, RIP Qaddafi. And let us not forget: RIP Ghaddafi. And just to be safe, RIP Caddaphee.
what's the most polite way to excuse yourself as a guy to go to the bathroom when dining with a lady? "Please excuse me,I need to shake hands with a friend of mine,whom I hope you will have the pleasure of meeting after dinner"
I'm pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow White's heroin addiction.
People complain too much on airplanes. like "For real? I cant get hi speed internet?! AND MY CHAIR DOESNT LEAN BACK!" .... "Dude, you are sitting in a chair... IN THE GOD DAMN SKY!"
The thing I hate most about make-up sex is getting the nail polish off my balls.
"FREEZE! NOBODY MOVE!" - Mother Nature
wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of "liking" my own comment? Of course I like my own comments. I'm awesome.
Pushed humpty Dumpty and also was the reason Jack fell down and broke his crown. While I was at it I stole the cookies from the cookie jar and let the dogs out. So there........
If I owned a bar I would pour myself shots all the time, look in the mirror, wink and say "It's on the house."
You call it 'laziness', I call it 'laziness' too because I don't feel like coming up with an alternate excuse.
Fred Willard got arrested for jerking off in a porn theater. Well, at least he can honestly say his newest release is in theaters now! 