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Simmer down joggers running in place at a stop light, simmer down. 
The music stopped for a second in the strip club and everyone heard me opening my Velcro wallet.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad
Hold up.. Spanking your kid can get you arrested??? If thats the case my mom should be on Death Row.. .
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room* *I pretend to catch it* *I walk over to the window and toss it outside* "Grow up Karen"
My wife started clipping coupons to help save us money. She keeps them in her 800.00 purse....
Well, it's the end of the year. No point in trying to become a good person this late in the game.
Ants kill around 30 people a year......Marijuana is safer than ants.
Got banned from bookstore AGAIN this weekend for moving "CAUTION: WET FLOOR" sign to the erotic aisle.
Whenever I see a happy couple, smiling, giggling, feeding each other food, whispering sweet nothings, very much in love, I just wish I could give them a lie-detector test.
Send me one more game request and I'm showing up at your house hammered, at 4am, naked and demanding a game of Twister...
Mr. Peanut is an aristocrat who sells dead and dry-roasted members of his own species.
So does this mean that Kanye can finally marry himself?
For Halloween I'm going as a mom who sends her kids up to strangers' houses to beg for candy while she stands in the street drinking a beer.
Thinking of getting another bed just for all my laundry
If you don't do foolish things while you're young, you won't have anything to smile about when you're old.
Animal planet really makes it hard for me to enjoy The Lion King. =(
I am afraid that the only way to motivate me to do something, is to absolutely forbid me from doing whatever it is you wish to have done. I refer to this as the big red shiny button theorem.
Dear Santa, I was framed.
The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done. 