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I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs. 
Internal Revenge Service
I finally got one of those "Stop Bullying" bracelets... I stole it off of some nerd at the park.
I would punch you straight in the face but my hand would get covered in the $hit you talk.
Grandma... I know the words are similar but you "butt dialed" me... you didn't "booty call" me.
Faithful on your wall, but cheating in your inbox.
There's no "I" in meat, but there's "me" and "eat", and I don't know how vegans can argue with that logic.
I'm not saying she's a hoe.. All I'm saying is she's been on more wieners than Heinz Ketchup
What do you do if you see your crazy Ex, running around in your front yard covered in blood & screaming for help? Stay calm,reload your pistol & aim better!!
You're on a horse being chased by two lions. You're behind an elephant and next to a giraffe. What do you do? You get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!
Have you ever wondered if the $1 bills in your wallet were ever in a stripper butt?....You're wondering now!!
Costco: Go hungry leave happy
The kids next door have challenged me to a water fight... I'm just updating my status while I wait for the kettle to boil
Gathering Birds to throw at you!
To the dude who flipped me off in the Starbucks parking lot for honking at him, before taking off like a maniac… You left your breakfast and coffee on top of your car…
Ladies, I'd like to remind you that trying to play "hard to get" doesn't work when you're already "hard to want."
I'm searching Facebook for people named Hontas, just because I think it would be cool… to poke a Hontas.
It's so cold out the guy at 7-11 has a towel on his head.
A selfie stick should be called a narcissistick.
A woman will date a guy who isn’t exactly what she likes in the hope of changing him into what she likes. How about just dating a guy who is exactly what you like and save everyone else the drama? 