Marshall The Great Funny Status Messages

   Wow... I just met someone that actually IS as stupid as they look.

   Women must love you because you are the biggest d!ck I have ever seen

   Whenever I see someone calling my phone, I wait and see if they will call 10 times, if they don't, it probably wasn't that important.

   To the anonymous person that keeps sending all that damn porn to my phone.. get a new phone with a better camera please! :)

   If the eyes are the window to our soul... I better pluck mine out.

   You should come with a warning sign and possibly one of those flashing red DANGER AHEAD lights.

   After a long weekend without your phone, you learn what's really important in life. Your phone.

   If there's any indication of my laziness... just ask the dime in my wash machine, that used to be a quarter.

   Just walked in the room and the girl on the news was saying"we like it to be at least 10 inches but we prefer it to be longer than 12 inches.She was talking about people donating hair.Thank goodness.

   My girlfriend accused me of faking it in bed last night, and she was right. I wasn't asleep at all.

   An angry mob of nerds can be dangerous. The only thing stopping them from tipping cars is physical ability.

   I pretty much need a girl to love me for what's on the outside at this point. The inside has been broken for a while and I've been trying to fix it with booze ever since.

   Does everyone have a weird Facebook acquaintance that comments on all their sh!t, or is it just me?

   I performed at a charity event last night for women with no legs and I gotta tell ya fellas, that place was just crawling with ass…. Literally!

   Summer: the time of year when parents realize just how grossly underpaid teachers actually are.

   Hand jobs are like the WNBA a cheap imitation of something that men do better.

   I saw a K9 sheriff car with a bumper sticker that said "Got dope?"

   I'm training for the Super Bowl. Today's menu: 3 dozen wings, sliders, nachos and beer.

   It's funny how the things I like most on a woman are the things I like most on chickens....... "Legs and breast."

   Fake Love: Her: Good morning love of my life, beat of my heart. Him: God morning sunshine, reason I live. True Love: Her: coffee if you want it. Him: Ehhhh.