Funny Status Messages

   I only buy extra virgin olive oil...Because I don't know where those other oils have been.

   Remember friends, You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of "bag of ice" to your July4th cookout.

   *spills one drop of maple syrup (entire house is sticky for the next decade)

   In grade school it’s called bullying but when you get older it’s referred to as upper level management.

   Dating is like garage sales where everything looks great from a distance but up close you realize it's just someone else's garbage you don't need.

   EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.

   I just heard someone call an e-cigarette a "douche flute." Now my life is complete.

   A haunted house that has a room where a bunch of women ask you "Notice anything different about my hair?"

   I went to a gender reveal party yesterday and was immediately told to put my clothes back on...

   In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid "If you don't stop fussing I'm gonna make you spend christmas with this man" and then points at me causing him to cry harder

   If you put away the clean laundry on the same day that you wash it, I feel like that’s what you should lead with on your resume.

   Seeing a Camel Toe on a pair of leopard-print tights in Wal-mart is as close as I will ever get to going on an African safari.

   My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.

   You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.

   Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don't want to have to redo the math themselves.

   My wife said she wants a divorce for valentines day. I wasn't planning to spend that much..

   "Vitamin Water"?? Sorry bud, that exists and it's called SOUP

   I've just been voted the most secretive person in the world... I can't tell you what it means to me.

   So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY

   Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.