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Women use sex to get stuff, men lose stuff because of sex. 
All those Olympic curlers are headed back home now, where the wife is standing by the door with a mop and a broom saying "no more excuses"
Please rephrase your question in the form of a compliment.
Why do famous people get things for free if they’re the ones that can afford it?
Dancing in the 70's: I have absolutely no idea what I am pointing at
If by O.P.P. you mean Other People’s Pancakes, then yes I’m down with O.P.P.
If you millenials want to know what it was like to talk on a payphone, just lick the handle of a grocery cart.
does any one know how to lower the difficulty settings on tinder?
I wish people who say 'thanks, but no thanks' would make up their mind on where they stand on gratitude.
I just heard someone call an e-cigarette a "douche flute." Now my life is complete.
A haunted house that has a room where a bunch of women ask you "Notice anything different about my hair?"
I went to a gender reveal party yesterday and was immediately told to put my clothes back on...
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid "If you don't stop fussing I'm gonna make you spend christmas with this man" and then points at me causing him to cry harder
If you put away the clean laundry on the same day that you wash it, I feel like that’s what you should lead with on your resume.
Seeing a Camel Toe on a pair of leopard-print tights in Wal-mart is as close as I will ever get to going on an African safari.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don't want to have to redo the math themselves.
My wife said she wants a divorce for valentines day. I wasn't planning to spend that much..
"Vitamin Water"?? Sorry bud, that exists and it's called SOUP
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