Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   When I see people outside, smoking in freezing temperatures, it makes me wonder what else I can get them to do.

   At the beginning of a relationship, I wonder if women rub their hands together and say "Let the games begin!"

   Every day of my life is like an episode of LOST, something crazy always happens and I never have any idea what's going on.

   Damn, just about got in a head on collision with some idiot who doesn't know how to text and drive nearly as well as I do.

   Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

   I had social networking when I was a kid, too. I think back then it was called "outside."

   This 'places' thing still scares me a little. It's like saying, "Hey stranger, come find me, look I made it really easy for you."

   Now that you really think about it, you've never seen me and Batman in the same room have you?

   Who is wise? He that learns from everyone. Who is powerful? He that governs his passions. Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.

   If you only remember one thing today, remember this.

   I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching...my car into reverse and driving away from the accident.

   There are two types of people in this world: Those who have a Facebook account and those who shouldn't have a Facebook account.

   I wish I could make it illegal for anyone to wake up before 6am.

   Impossible is just a fancy way of saying, "No on else has figured out a way to do this yet."

   I hate when I fall into the trap of acting like I know something and then get asked follow-up questions.

   Screw getting an alarm system. I've seen Home Alone, I know what to do.

   I keep trying to avoid trouble but I think it likes me...

   The worst part about waking up alone is not having someone to kick out of bed to make me coffee.

   An angry mob of nerds can be dangerous. The only thing stopping them from tipping cars is physical ability.

   When something bad happens you have three choices. You can either let it define you, let it destroy you, or you can let it strengthen you.