Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri, "What do women want?" She's been talking for the last 2 days and doesn't seem ready to shut up anytime soon.

   My computer just told me that "hgsfdahgdf.jpg" already exists... WHAT THE F*CK... I'm buying a lottery ticket.

   Yesterday my coworker gave me the finger but today we're cool... this morning he high 4'd me.

   I spent most of the weekend interacting with real friends instead of being on Facebook. It was a horrible decision.

   I just thought of something that really sucks. How are you?

   I just figured out what it is I say to people to get them to tell me their innermost, messed-up thoughts: "Hi."

   Whenever I get a friend request Facebook should allow me free access to their wall and pics regardless of privacy settings so I can see who I'm dealing with. Some of you are so creepy your profile pic might as well be a white panel van.

   Biologically speaking, the human body requires certain things to work in order to make a baby. Unfortunately a brain isn't one of them.

   Once you get past my charm, good looks, intelligence and my sense of humor, I think it's my modesty that stands out.

   Yesterday I asked my girlfriend what she'd like for her birthday... She's still talking.

   I can count to five in Spanish. Maybe Pitbull will let me be on his next album

   Never give a woman a straight answer. Give them gay answers, they love gay answers.

   I managed to work out by tracing backwards to where my relationships with women started to go wrong... I traced it back to... "and God created Eve."

   My girl asked me over and over and over to go to the store to get her some tampons. I got tired of heaqing it so I told her to put a sock in it.

   You know that feeling when you know you're doing something wrong but you just keep doing it anyway? That's how I feel all the time.

   When I go out to eat I put a tampon in my pocket. If my waitress acts like a c*nt guess what her tip is?

   You know what don't make sense!!!? Fat people with skinny arms.......

   Attention girls who make the Duck Face- THOSE are not the lips guys are interested in seeing all swollen.

   The American dream is no longer owning your own home. Its moving out of moms.

   When I was little I didn't care about things like what to wear, my parents dressed me. Looking back at some of my old pictures, it's obvious that my parents didn't care either.