Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I don't take anything you say seriously. You're just an idiot who has internet access.

   I've changed the lock on my heart.. So stick the old key up your ass.

   Lawsuit claims Taco Bell tacos only 35% real beef. I think I speak for all of us when I say wow that much?

   I like being single. I'm always there when I need me.

   Any man who laughs at women's clothes has never paid the bill for them.

   Nothing makes crazy people happier than having a microphone.

   Prank: Get car chalk and write "Just Married" on every car in a Walmart parking lot.

   Sometimes I think Facebook is trying to insult me by some of its friend suggestions.

   Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you only dress yourself. Moral of the story: in life no one helps you once you're f*cked.

   Some people think football is a matter of life and death. I assure you, it's much more serious than that.

   I'm training for the Super Bowl. Today's menu: 3 dozen wings, sliders, nachos and beer.

   One day I want to be "Let's Just Take My Helicopter" rich.

   Let's take turns going crazy. You first.

   I need to get out of bed and do something so I can justify taking a nap later.

   Take photos of friends with their face squished against glass. Assign to your phone contacts... it'll look like they're trapped inside your phone!

   Any relationship before marriage is just training.

   You don't find the meaning of life, the meaning of life finds you.

   These liberty tax male lady liberty people on the side of the road make me happy I'm not them.

   Don't get chased by your past. Your future always catches up.

   Nothing makes people happier than when you are wrong and they are right.