SEAN Funny Status Messages

   When talking with a woman in her 30s, it's super important to always pretend to be shocked when she tells you she's in her 30s.

   Do women know how much energy we expend pretending we don't know why they're mad?

   "Ok just so I'm clear on this - this dog can bark for 11 hrs straight & only poops in other people's yards? I'll take it!" - my neighbor

   For those of you concerned about my upcoming birthday and struggling for ideas as to what to get me this year, I have registered for gifts at the liquor store…

   Nothing says "I've given up" like a fat person with a stomach tattoo.

   Actions don't speak louder than my grandmother asking me about my hemorrhoids in a crowded elevator.

   Don't be so sensitive. When I said, "You're lucky, I could never pull off such a ridiculous outfit!" I meant it as a compliment.

   I've never approached even 10% of Aerosmith's level of excitement that a dude looks like a lady.

   I'm the first one to admit when I'm I'm wrong. I just never is.

   My smart phone has a lot of capabilities, but none as valuable as being able to pretend I'm on it when I run into someone I know in public.

   I'm putting a goal line around my house to keep Ryan Leaf from getting in.

   Found an old playboy from the 70's last night, I wonder why they didnt call it hair club for men...

   I wonder if the Def Lepard version of Rock Band will come with only one drum stick?...what...too soon?

   Me: Hey, you want some oysters? Him: No thanks. I'm Jewish. Me: Oh don't worry they're free.

   I dress for success because getting dressed is the most successful thing I do all day.

   I like to go on OK Cupid and find the worst possible matches for myself and message them being like "We can make this work."

   Pro tip; If your parents, your boss, and three of your friends invite you to a party at a clinic its a trap.

   I look in a mirror and wonder what became of the eager, wide-eyed boy with the world in front of him, then figure by the size of me I ate him.

   In high school I was voted "most likely to succeed". Boy, did I prove those idiots wrong!

   Nicholas Cage is the Nickleback of actors.