Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Had two beers after work with friends, and when I say two I mean pitchers and when I say friends I mean a$$holes I work with.

   Why do people keep telling me I need a positive attitude? I'm already positive I have an attitude.

   If you ever want to feel stupid, read your Facebook status updates to someone who isn't on Facebook.

   Eskimos have 49 words in their language to describe snow because they have so much of it. In the English language there are over 50 words to describe a moron.

   I just launched a new fragrance! - a great way to announce a fart

   Sex can lead to nasty things like herpes, gonorrhea, and something called relationships.

   My neighbor bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now she can't sneak up on the cat to put it on him.

   When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, everyone remembers. Funny how that works.

   I took my girlfriend to see the new Twilight movie today. It was bad. The Gulf Of Mexico is in better shape than that movie's plotline.

   I went to this new Chinese restaurant today for lunch... it was off the hook, chain, collar and leash!

   A rice cake is a good way to tell your taste buds to go to hell.

   Giving someone a trash bag full of yellow Starbursts is so much more fulfilling than saying "I hate you."

   Well, just did my daily "walk of fame" where I go outside with my coffee and lie to squirrels about how I got laid last night.

   I told my dad off today. I said, “Dad, I'm a grown man so STOP TREATING ME LIKE A CHILD!” It worked. He gave me a juice box for standing up for myself.

   My contact lenses have just fell out and fell down the toilet.. Now I can't see sh!t.

   Using a coupon is kind of like playing with your pen!s... At first you're embarrassed... but once the cashier has it in her hand... it's all worth while.

   i can honestly say I have never hated anyone, because that would imply I actually gave a shlt in the first place.

   There's something fishy about this cucumber I'm eating.......

   Yeah, you're right dude. I totally can't tell you're fat anymore when you wear a t-shirt in the pool..

   I hate those ambulances that drive really slow with with their sirens on. There's one behind me now. So annoying.