Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Facebook prank #23: Go in everynight and change your birthday to the next day...then see how long it takes for people to catch on...

   Why do I have to bother pushing "one" for English? I'm still going to get someone who can't speak it.

   Local news is like Facebook. You get stories you don't care about, some jerk talks about weather and it all ends with pictures of animals doing funny stuff.

   I don't care what your gender is. I'm going to call you "dude" either way.

   If I call you and you don't answer, I will sing on your voicemail.

   Don't dwell on your past, disappointments, or failures, you can't trip on something behind you.

   Bachelors know more about women than married men. If they didn't, they'd be married too.

   if people were as nice to each other in real life as they were in Facebook comments, think how different the world would be.

   Sorry, everyone, it looks like my Facebook account was hacked by vodka last night...

   Why is there a show called "When animals attack"? It should be called "When stupid people go near dangerous animals."

   I'm having one of those days where when I get home I'm going to lean against the door, and slide down it while dramatically sighing.

   Why do bras and batteries come in the same sizes?

   I love getting voicemails from my grandma. They usually consist of a pause, then "I don't think he's home."

   When you start to believe your own lies is when you know you're getting good at it.

   I learn something new everyday. Yesterday I was wise. Today I'm wiser.

   I'm the type of person who would spend 20 years becoming a judge, just so ONE person could be all, "You can't judge me!" And I'm like, "Bull$hit."

   Lifting the toilet seat AND putting it back down are 2 steps. If women really want equality, they're going to have to take on a step here.

   Sitting here with Google open, and now I can't remember what I didn't know.

   I stopped listening when you said "No."

   When someone tries to impress you, it means they're impressed by you.