Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I don't understand why you're mad. I used YOUR name as my password, honey! :) Who cares if the "hint" to retrieve it is ....BlTCH?

   If it's a lady, I like to speak quickly in the drive-thru at Burger King by saying: "I have a Whopper!" When they ask: "what would you like on it?" YOU!

   Know your limitations, people. Sometimes certain body cavities just won't stretch that far.

   Scientists have now confirmed that aliens do exist and in fact could be living next door to you as humans. So I shot the hot woman who just moved in next door 'cause her ass was definitely outta this world.

   Keep it up and you will die pretty early in the book I'm writing.

   The cop thought I was texting and driving so I pulled down my pants and showed him why I was smiling at my crotch.

   Facebook has made me a better writer. My work emails are succinct, well-worded, and they make at least one reference to balls, farts, or sex.

   The boss phoned and yelled "Are you still asleep?.... You should have been here two hours ago!" I said "Why... what happened two hours ago?"

   Just once, I'd like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say, "ARE YOU SHlT'N ME?!"

   "Let's just be friends" is a woman's way of saying she would rather mutilate her v@gina than sleep with you.

   I like my women like I like my coffee... Hot, Sweet and "That's mine, don't f*cking touch it!"

   The world will be a much better place if everybody took a chill pill... It would be even better if some of them choked on it.

   I don't care how nice my neighbors are, I still wanna put their garden hose in their bedroom window and turn it on around 3 am.......

   You don't truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.

   eHarmony should be more like Amazon for those sad lonely people. "Customers who slept with Tina172 also slept with LuvinLife_83, TaintMisbehavin, and Cat_Lover03."

   My co-worker informed me that people raised with manners say “Please” and “Thank you.” So I responded “Please, shut the f*ck up, thank you.”

   All these idiots that attended my Elvis Impersonation Show wants their money back but I had on the correct sun shades and costume AND I WAS LYING PERFECTLY STILL IN THE CASKET....... so, SCREW 'EM

   Avoid arguments on facebook with someone who types faster than you...

   I found out two things last night. 1. Sometimes bowel movements float. 2. My neighbors have a new hot tub

   I guess firefighters really get pissed when you call and say your house is on fire and when they show up, you just want your pool filled for the season...