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So, Biden was a Senator for 100 years and VP for 8 years and all of a sudden, he has a bunch of great ideas on how to improve the US?? 
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me of why there is no f*cking money in there.
Can we please stop calling them 'hipsters' and go back to calling them 'pu$$ies?'
My sleep number is Bacardi 151
My ex called me today. I answered by screaming "HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE?!?!" and hung up. That should make her wonder a little bit...
Bacon is the fried chicken of white p eople!
At the Bar, going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home..
why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Dear Gangsta, While the prime "cap" is indeed a very important part of the cartridge it will actually be the bullet that you pop in my ass. Just thought you should know.
Dear Fork, I know I've never contacted you since I ran away with the plate. But I thought you should know you have a son. His name is Spork. He has your hair. Sincerely, Spoon
my new years resolution is 1920 x 1080
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
doesn't need to go to the gym, he gets enough exercises by pushing his luck, jumping into conclusions and letting his mind run wild!!!
Trust that little voice in your head that says “Wouldn't it be interesting if..”; And then do it.
I wish I was friends with a midget so I could introduce by saying, "Say hello to my little friend."
Facebook has allowed me to bring my "He's a distraction to the rest of the class" from grade school to a global scale.
A little boy examines his privates while in the bath. "Mommy, are these my brains?" His mother says, "Not yet."
just changed his relationship status from single to engaged and back to single to see if any chicks will try to get me on the rebound.
Think you've had a bad day ! ! ! One of the chilean miners has just been told he forgot to clock on. 