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The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain't good. 
It just dawned on me why Mayberry was so peaceful and quit, cause nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T Bass, The Darlins, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara. The only one married was Otis, and he stayed drunk!
I hate when I get Drunk and Bid on Ebay.
So I've been chatting with this 13 year old girl online. Shes funny, flirty and sexy. Now she tells me shes an undercover cop, how cool is that for someone her age?
I don't like to think before I speak. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else
"Sorry I brought that up." - Bulimics
FACEBOOK: Where sluts complain about other sluts being sluts.
[Average Salaries] U.S. Soldier: $54,000....U.S. Congressman: $174,000 (Not counting bonuses)....What's wrong with this picture..?
I hate when I walk through a metal detector and my buns of steel set them off.
Don't want to brag or anything but when I was a kid I had 9 planets.
I can't sleep. There's nothing on TV except the Home Shopping Club, so I called 'em. They answer, "Home Shopping Club!" I said, "Hi." They said, "Can we help you?" I go, "Nah, I'm just looking."
My mother + my father - condom = COOLEST PERSON ALIVE! :-).
You can save a lot of money by walking face-first into a spiderweb every morning instead of buying coffee
I called a wrong phone number today. I asked, 'Is Joey there?' The woman says 'Yes.' I said, 'May I speak to him please?' She said, 'No, he can't right now, he is only 2 months old. I said, 'All right, I'll wait.'
Hey you. Yeah you. No, not you... That other guy. You right there! Yes, you.... Do you like tacos?
✓ Saddam Hussein, ✓ Osama Bin Laden, ☐ Snookie
I listed the Federal Government as a dependent on my taxes this year
Just because no one liked your "funny" status the first time you posted doesn't mean you should post it 6 more times.
I am tired of being judged by my color by people who complain of being judged by theirs
After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic’s swimming pool was still full. 