Marshall The Great Funny Status Messages

   "I don't mean to brag," ... "Then shut the f#ck up!"

   Life experiences are like quarters, you lose both when you are sitting around on the couch.

   Things I'm angry about in 2011: 1) No hoverboards.

   There are hundreds of languages throughout the world but a smile speaks them all! ◕‿◕

   ...and thats how the U.S. outdoes a Royal Wedding.

   There are tons of open seats, so why does the one next to me always look so inviting to really weird people?

   She draws me in with a hypnotic glance, rips off my shirt, throws me up against the wall, presses her body against mine and whispers in my ear... GOT CHOCOLATE?

   These stale great value brand Doritos taste like middle class sadness.

   I do my best Kool Aid Man wall busting impression when I arrive at a party and find out there's no booze.

   I really think that Rihanna's last name is Featuring.

   Just got done putting up all the garage sale signs. Hope the neighbor appreciates how much work I put into their surprise garage sale.

   I never judge people by the way they look. Which, in your case, must be a relief.

   Nothing quite takes the place of research like making stuff up.

   I really need to find a girlfriend. Guy at poker table was like “This is my girlfriend, Kayla,” and I was like, “This is my sandwich, Ham.”

   I could be completely naked and I'd still look less slutty than this girl.

   People who say that winning isn't important, never win.

   The good thing about not drinking is that I remember everything, and the bad thing about not drinking is that I remember everything.

   Guys who wear skinny jeans: Why do you keep hitting on girls? You've already gotten into their pants.

   Can we have a moment of silence for those unfortunate souls who have never smoked weed...

   I smashed my car into a bus stop full of people last night. I got away with a broken arm. Don't know whose but it's mine now!