Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
Earlier this morning, I was invited to join an XXX Facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really really big shirts. 
My train of thought is usually all loco and no motive.
People say "If you want loyalty, get a dog," but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
if you want a sneak preview of the new IPhone 8 just look at your IPhone 7 and pretend it cost $999 more.
The San Francisco Giants visited an orphanage in Mexico last week. "It's really sad to see their faces with no hope" said Juan, age 6.
Think I will use this CSV receipt to wrap up like a mummy for Halloween. BONUS: You can scan me for $1 off any 2 liter drink
I wonder if Harvey Weinstein & Bill Cosby sit around swapping stories
I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
I went to the doctor because I couldn’t stop listening to Tom Jones. He told me it’s not unusual
Why do we offer "a word to the wise" when it's the stupid ones that need the advice?
House cleaning would go a lot faster if the spray bottles made laser gun sounds
My executive meeting with the cats in the board room was going so well, until I brought out the laser pointer to highlight my slide presentation
Baby Yoda's first word probably came after his second word
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
And suddenly the neighbors who left their Christmas lights up all year seem like geniuses.
Facebook needs a notification like: “Karen took your Facebook post personally. Would you like to unfriend her?”
The Amish powerball is up to 200 chickens & a goat.
Just caught my pecker in my zipper.. no more zip up boots for me.
Due to panic buying Walmart has open register #3
Whelp, it looks like another day we're not going to cure the coronavirus with our Facebook posts. 