Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I guess CVS is going green. Today's receipt for cough drops was only 27 inches long.

   I'm not sure about you, but when someone tells me I look familiar, I immediately start to panic.

   "I tolerate you better than I do anyone else" is the new "I love you."

   Great minds think alike but dirty minds work together. ;)

   Insomnia is a glamorous term for 'thoughts you forgot to have in the day.'

   Why does every wireless provider say that they have the best, fastest, most covered 4G network? Someone's lying.

   When I really like a girl, I take her home to meet my parents so she understands why I can never get married.

   It's amazing how quickly I can convince myself that I didn't need to do today the things I needed to do today.

   If I ever mess anything up I am just gonna say, "It's not like I sung the national anthem wrong in front of the whole world or something."

   Ten bucks says Slash has no idea where he is.

   Everything happens for a reason, and that reason is that life is totally random.

   You think you know someone, but what you really know is only what they choose to show you.

   There are two reasons I would never drink toilet water. Number 1 and number 2.

   I think, therefore we have nothing in common.

   When a woman asks me how long I can last in bed I tell her it depends on how long someone brings me food and water but probably years.

   I miss being the age when I thought I would have my sh!t together by the time I was the age I am now.

   I love smiling at random people. Some of them smile back. Some of them get really creeped out, but that makes it worth it.

   If people winked in real life as much as they wink in texts, the world would be an extremely creepy place. ;)

   I hate it when my inner child talks back to the voices in my head.

   This is ridiculous - I have so much work to do this morning that I can barely get on Facebook. My boss is so rude.