Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   Bucket list #17 - boxing a kangaroo.

   I walk the streets with a smile on my face while looking up. Just in case the cameras of Google Maps are filming.

   Whoever originally thought up the vampire idea should have trademarked it.

   If this day had a face, it would be that of an evil clown laughing maniacally at me.

   "Young men think old men are fools; but old men know young men are fools."

   When people nickname their child "Boo Boo" is that their way of saying their child was an accident?

   I really hate it when people say "that sucks" like it really makes the situation any better.

   Note to Self: Hang up phone BEFORE talking sh!t.

   If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

   I'm hoping the office Secret Santa happens early this year so I have time to regift before Christmas. I hate storing them for a year.

   Facebook has revealed that there are many, many people just like me and now I know why the world is screwed.

   The difference between politicians and prostitutes is, though they'll both take your money and f*ck you, prostitutes will actually give some satisfaction.

   You always know when you come across a ghetto b!tch. They don't have inside voices. They only have "I wanna make sure everyone f*cking hears this" voices.

   Sucks when you find out you have crabs and are allergic to shellfish

   The FedEx lady would not take my package and told me to put my pants back on and quit calling her unless I need to ship an order.

   Sometimes it feels like the world is a giant bird and I'm just a freshly washed car.

   Tip for the ladies: If you want a man to leave you alone at a bar, don't tell him you have a boyfriend. They don't care.Tell him you have a pen is.

   "Hurricane Sandy roars up the east coast generating 80mph winds and substantial precipitation." Big deal. Want to impress me? Stand directly in front of my GF after I come home drunk from the bar at 3am for more then 5 minutes.

   All these idiots that attended my Elvis Impersonation Show wants their money back but I had on the correct sun shades and costume AND I WAS LYING PERFECTLY STILL IN THE CASKET....... so, SCREW 'EM

   WARNING...If you are on my friends list and we have NEVER spoken to one another AND you don't bother to "like" one of my status updates... I am not gonna do sh*t.... because I am FAR too lazy.