Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   This morning I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering... 98 of them said, "How did you get in here?"

   A baby was born laughing really hard with its fists closed! The confused doctor unfolded its tiny fingers and found a birth control pill.

   I decided I'd like to get to know you all a lot better. Let's start with banking information. ;)

   I'm not lazy, I'm just highly motivated not to do anything...

   A man's best chance of winning any argument with a woman is if he confines it entirely in his own mind.

   Friends don't tag friends in hideous Facebook pictures.

   When you find someone who finally understands you, the world will go away.

   I'm thankful for Facebook. Before, I would just scream out my thoughts to anyone who would listen.

   Why would you try to avoid risks in life? To make it safely to death?

   Apparently Diet Pepsi has come out with a new "skinny" can...does that mean regular Pepsi will be coming out with a new "fat-ass" can?

   Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting "HOLY $HIT... WHAT A RIDE!"

   Sitting here watching CNN & I like whats going in Egypt, let it be a lesson to other governments to never bite the hand that feeds you...

   When the kids wander around the house I can just see them thinking, "what can I f*ck up?"

   She draws me in with a hypnotic glance, rips off my shirt, throws me up against the wall, presses her body against mine and whispers in my ear... GOT CHOCOLATE?

   If anything I post offends you, please bring it to my attention so I can delete you off my friends list.

   Why is it when opportunity knocks on your door, it knocks only once. But temptation... That b*tch leans on the damn door bell!

   I hate when I look horrible in a group picture and the person that looks good refuses to delete it.

   I remember when downloading a song meant trying to tape it off the radio while hoping the DJ didn't talk over the song.

   I have watched CSI, NCIS, Law and Order, Lie To Me, Criminal Minds and Unusual Suspects. I can kill you 18 ways with a paperclip and not leave forensic evidence.

   Just got an email from MySpace asking, "Where Have You Been?" Well MySpace, it hasn't been 2006 in a while.