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Plastic Surgery is Photoshop for people who go outside. 
The biggest family reunions take place on the Powerball winner's front porch.
Before a Staring Contest I always blink a lot to get ready.
You know you're having a bad day when your blow up doll ran away with your air mattress
I wouldn't call it a career, it's more of a soul-sucking paycheck making machine.
Why is it that people who need to borrow money can find you like Google Maps, but when the time comes to pay you back they disappear like Osama Bin Laden
Interviewer asked Tiger Woods what happened in the tournament. "I'm having a hard time controlling my balls." You think?
Getting snubbed by the left turn arrow at an intersection after waiting your turn is annoying. Getting skipped twice? I will murder you, light! But a third time?! Clearly a valid legal defense for blowing right through that mother f*cker.
I bought a gps so my wife would quit telling which direction to take...now I have two women telling where to go.
I've changed my mind a dozen times. It seems to work better now.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
I don't really care where you put it, as long as you don't make me hold it!!!
put your big girl panties on... and DEAL WITH IT!
has seized the day and dragging it back to bed with her. :)
I'm not a nag. I'm a motivational speaker.
Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
had a wonderful day. Unfortunately, this wasn't it.
there should be an International STFU Day. One day that you can tell anyone who's annoying you to just SHUT THE F**K Up! Without consequence.
I do not have adult ADD. I have "What your saying bores the s#it out of me."
Sometimes I give my kids random punishments and when they ask why I tell them, "You know what you did!" When they don't argue back I know it was justified. 