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My friends over there bet me that I wouldn't talk to the most beautiful woman in the room. Want to buy some drinks with their money?" 
cigarettes are just like ferrets, perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and set it on fire...
don't write on your facebook wall so you can comment on it. I write on your wall so you will write back on mine and make me seem more popular. Work with me here.
I've managed to avoid around 50 April fools jokes this morning. However, I've now lost my job on the emergency sevices desk.
Scroll to the bottom of your Facebook page...On the left-side, Click on "English (US)". When the window pops up, select "English(Upside Down)".
"I have to cut down on my friends so I may have to delete some of you". you mean I don't have to read your 'ugh its Monday' or 'blah blah hump day' or 'tgif' posts anymore? Well, let me make a preemptive strike on that.
Show me a person who can be trusted with a laser pointer, and I will show you someone whose soul has died.
Some women talk way too much. Sometimes I wish they can run out of minutes like cell phones. Her - "Let me tell you something else..." You - "Haha, You can only talk on nights and weekends now!"
Can see into the future. I predict the most popular status update on Jan. 1st will be something to do with people being "hungover"
Life is a beach, i'm just playing in the sand.
The lies....the deceit...the broken promises....These movies on Lifetime really bug me...Hey wait....My bad...It's a political commercial!!!!!
Ladies, my lost and found box is getting full. So, if you're missing an earring, silk scarves, lingerie or a prosthetic leg....let me know.
MONDAY: Mentally Overworked, Nauseated, Dysfunctional And Yucky
Dear Lord, Please give us back Leslie Neilson and will let you have Justin Beiber, Richard Simmons, or Snooki......your pick
Would you rather be a ginormous hampster or a tiny rhinocerous?
Sometimes I think the world would be much better off without so much technology. - Sent from my iPhone
New Year's eve practice tonight
Sometimes the birthday reminders on Facebook remind me of the friends I need to delete.
"be yourself" can be the worst advise you can give to some people
You know you're ugly when you can't even get poked on facebook 