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*Phone on silent*. 10 missed calls. *Turns volume to loudest*. Nobody calls all day. 
If Obama really wanted to impress me... he'd somehow combine Missouri & Oregon to make a "Show me your beaver" state.
Just found my birth certificate. Ugh, it's official: I've gained weight.
Atoms are what make us all Matter:)
Dance like nodody's watching, love like no one can give the authorities a helpful description, stalk like there's no restraining order.
"There goes the neighborhood" - Spongebob Squarepants
When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
Happy Birthday forever to everyone on Facebook!! Whew, glad I got that out of the way.
I'm not saying that you and your girlfriend are unatractive, but when you two got into that physical altercation at the bar, every single person there immediately called PETA except for Michael Vick and that's only because he had already wagered on her
They need to make some people's mouth like a cell phone plan. When their Mouth Minutes run out, they shut up for the rest of the month....until they pay to talk to you.
My veterinarian is also a taxidermist and has a sign on his office door reading,"Either Way, You Get Your Dog Back!"
People have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and pinning the tail on the donkey – but I bet everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, every time.
Loving someone who does not love you back is like waiting for a ship at the airport.
Smile, and the world will smile with you. Laugh and they'll all think your on drugs.
I have a solution for Health care Reform--cut the politicians pay by 7/8, eliminate their health insurance and tell them to deal with it!
Would like like to thank all the women that lowered their standards and went out with me on a date.
Why do meteorologists try and educate me on the workings of mother nature? Dude, just tell me pants or shorts tomorrow...
Politicians should be made to wear NASCAR suits so we can tell who their sponsors are.
If you can't figure out what to get someone for Christmas, get them a gift card! It's like saying, "Here's $20... go get your own damn gift!"
Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge, others just gargle. 