Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   You wouldn't believe how long it took me to post this from my new Progresso phone can!

   Whenever someone describes themselves as curvy, I always picture Owen Wilsons' nose.

   If you are arrogant enough to assume that I know what is going on in your life because I read every single one of your Facebook status updates, I probably hid you a long time ago.

   Used the men's room at Taco Bell earlier and I'm pretty sure the guy in the stall was giving birth to a Buick.

   My neighbor and I saw a shooting star last night... so we each made wish. Sadly his house burned down, but my wish come true! :)

   Conspiracy theorists are paid for by the government to distract people from actual government conspiracies.

   Of all the unsolved mysteries, I wonder why we must stop talking to be able to start peeing.

   I can hear the Pink Panther theme song playing inside my head. I may or may not be getting into all kinds of mischief this afternoon.

   Mom: I've been here four hours and you haven't put your phone down once. How do you always miss my calls?

   There's a distinct difference between power walking for fitness and power walking because you have to use the bathroom.

   Police Station toilet stolen - Cops have nothing to go on.

   Okay, so you Republicans taking office, we all expect a complete economic turnaround in less than two years. Got it?

   Girlfriends are like The History Channel. They always bring up old sh!t.

   Fake eyelashes are okay if they look natural, but some of you women look like you gonna take flight if you blink too fast.

   Attention girls who make the Duck Face- THOSE are not the lips guys are interested in seeing all swollen.

   SEX It may have only 3 letters but it can have as many characters as you like.

   My girl is a serial over-reactor. You accidentally catch six kitchen towels on fire and all of a sudden you can't go in the kitchen alone anymore.

   The secret to eternal happiness lies in the acceptance of its nonexistence.

   Trust me. Tight fit jeans and loose fit skin are one bad combination.

   Two wrongs don't make a right, but they have the potential to become a pretty interesting Facebook status update.