Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Being a virgin in this day of age is something to be proud of. It is like being a unicorn!

   Sometimes I click the "LIKE" button on people's statuses just so I can then click the "UNLIKE" button. One of my many cheap thrills...

   Things were simpler when everything in my life fit perfectly inside my awesome Trapper Keeper.

   I usually don't care what people are saying until they start whispering.

   My emotional response to getting tagged in a Facebook photo could be nominated for an Oscar.

   "Just going on the computer to check one thing!" - Me, three hours ago.

   Time to get out of bed. The world is not going to dominate itself.

   Facebook Privacy Settings Tip: See where it says, "Automatically share my personal information with identity thieves, sex offenders and all my psycho exes? Yeah, you're gonna wanna unclick THAT box.

   I wish that some people wouldn't talk to me in the morning until I've had my coffee. (I don't drink coffee).

   At least clean up the bathroom before taking your profile picture.

   (Glass breaks) Woman: I think someones breaking in! Man: I'll take care of this! (grabs a toilet brush) Woman: A toilet brush? What are you going to do scrub him to death? Man: Would you want to be touched with this?

   There are places in the heart you can only find when the right person comes along.

   If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say, "In Jesus name, amen,"

   Dear yellow traffic light, Challenge accepted. Sincerely, a driver running late.

   The part of "no" that I don't understand is the part where I don't get what I want.

   Why didn't they just kill Gilligan on Gilligan's Island? If he hadn't screwed crap up, they could've been off that damn island years before. And what's with Skipper? You don't get that fat eating coconuts. That fat ba$tard is hiding something.

   Some old people are driving vehicles right now and don't even know it.

   If you're able to update your status saying you're drunk, you're clearly not drunk enough. I shouldn't be able to understand you.

   On my tombstone I want it to say: "I didn't forward the text message to 15 friends..."

   The amount of fun I have on a night out is directly proportional to the number of items I cannot locate the next day.