Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I gave our new female employee an instant promotion in exchange for sex. You should've seen her face when she found out I wasn't the boss.m

   I don't want to be mean and "block" you, so just close your eyes when I post, like I do, when I see YOUR pic. Thanks :)

   I don't know why my girlfriend insists on buying me Lunchables, Fruit Roll-Ups, and Pudding Cups for my lunch at work, like I'm in Kindergarten... She knows damn well they won't fit in my Scooby-Doo lunch box!

   I have a friend who is a Jehovah's Witness. He tried to tell me a knock knock joke and got all pissed off when I ignored him.

   GOSH! You try to relax naked in the hot tub with a liquor drink and a cigar and the whole staff at the YMCA goes into an uproar..... Sheesh.

   Stealing candy from a baby is actually pretty hard....... They always have adult friends nearby....... and they're loud snitches.......

   Wow, you look EXACTLY like this girl I finger banged behind a Wendys back in high school. Anyway, I'm Will and I'm here for the job interview.

   0 mutual friends, you're not even from my country, how the f*ck did you find me!?

   When your drunk, leftovers aren't so bad....... this may or may not be about food.

   I believe in life after death, so I'm hoping my ex comes back as me, so I can get my stuff back.

   I had a toy drive yesterday. I ran over all the toys the brats next door left in my yard.

   The places where I think up the best jokes are usually in the shower and while driving... It must have something to do with being naked.

   This girl I know asked her plastic surgeon to put jewels in with her fake boobs so she can have a treasure chest.

   Big shout out to all the spiders not building their webs at face level.

   Just saw a t-shirt that said "It's not the size of the boat, it's the motion of the ocean" which translated to "Hey, I've got a small pen!s and a stupid shirt."

   Money means nothing to me. If you don't believe me, just ask me for money. You'll get nothing.

   Men think about sex every seven seconds. The rest of the time is spent trying to come with a lie when a woman asks, "What are you thinking?"

   They have auto-steer and auto-park on new cars, but I would like to see auto-drivemydrunkass homefromthebar.

   If the TV show "Cops" has taught me anything, it's to stay away from people with blurry faces....... they always seem to attract trouble.......

   The world would be a much better place if everyone just did what I told them to do and stopped asking so many stupid questions.