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I need more pets because I'm running out of passwords. 
I use my birthday as an excuse to do whatever the hell I want. So basically it's just like every other day, except with presents.
You ever wonder why it's only women who need exorcisms?
Please write another brilliant status about how high you are. I'm on the edge of my seat here.
Obey the law! Unless you support who I support, then go ahead and do whatever you want. Tremendous hypocrisy!
I got thrown out of the park for arranging all the squirrels by height. Apparently they didn’t like me crittersizing them.
Why is it you can smoke in a tobacco store, but can't drink in a liquor store?
no terrorist, but he has blown up his underwear a time or two.
drinks beer to keep people employed
Love is photogenic...it needs darkness to develop."
currently under the influence of cold and flu medicine...my actions can not be held against me!!
I'm fed up with my brain remembering crap I'd like to forget and forgetting crap I'd like to remember!
Got up this morning and thought 'it looks nice out'....so I'll leave it out.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
Sex is a Sensation caused by a Temptation, when a guy sticks his Location in a girls Destination, to Increase population for the next Generation....You get my Explanation or need a Demonstration?
may not be Santa, but it doesnt mean he hasnt seen you while you're sleeping...
If I had a nickel for every time I ignored your Facebook request I'd have enough to buy a real farm.
Time flies when you press snooze
going cow tipping in FarmVille...Don't say I didn't warn you...
It wasn't until Rick gazed upon a photo on her facebook after 4 kids, and 80 pounds that he finally stopped wishing he had Jessie's girl. 