Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Picnics are dumb because five minutes after you eat your sandwich you're just a jackass in the park sitting on a blanket.

   In life, it seems the group of people who are easily offended and the group of people who are easily confused tend to be the same group.

   You may write me down in history with your bitter, twisted lies... You may trod me in the very dirt... But still, like the dust, I'll rise!

   If you're looking for a girl, here is what to look for: 1) HOT 2) SANE 3) SINGLE ... now pick two

   If I don't mention you, then the tweet wasn't about you. But if the shoe fits, then lace that bltch up and wear it.

   When your wife is mad and asks you, “Do I look stupid?”... don't answer.

   Swimming can be confusing… some people do it for fun.. I do it not to die.

   I just told my child that PMS stands for 'Prepare to Meet Satan.'

   I am thinking about going back to college to further my education. Just don't know if I am gonna fit into the stripper clothes I am gonna need to be able to pay for it.

   My buddy asked me, "What are 5 things you would take with you in a zombie apocalypse?" I replied, "That's simple. 5 people slower than me!"

   Facebook: Lying to people you know. Twitter: Be honest to people you don't know.

   The world isn't going to end today. Anyway, I'll check the status of my joke after the Winter Solstice, I can't get a signal in my nuclear bomb shelter...

   If your girlfriend's cat gets eaten by an angry pitbull terrier, gently singing "The Circle of Life" into her ear WON'T cheer her up.

   had a party last night... sorry you could not come but your girlfriend did.......TWICE

   A police officer stopped me last night whilst I was driving home from the bar. "Do you know why I was following you?" he asked. "Because my Facebook Stastus are funny?" I replied, absolutely hammered.

   Lamar Odom is missing and is a crackhead. Let that be a lesson guys, NEVER date a Kardashian.

   For you non-believers, the Bible is actually 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.

   i walked past my mother-in-law's house today that was on fire. I spotted her screaming from the top window, "SAVE ME, SAVE ME!!!" ...So I did! ...as my new screensaver.

   Why do shampoo bottles have to say 'Lather, Rinse, Repeat' on them? My blonde girlfriend has been in the shower for 2 weeks now.

   Don't focus on the one person who hates you. You don't go to the park and set your picnic down next to the only pile of dog sh!t.