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I often get a "yes" from women...but it's usually followed by..."that's him officer" 
When I look at you, I can hear music.
More bad news for millenials - you do not get a trophy for parallel parking your car
On new year's eve while counting down the last 10 seconds, I lift my left leg so I'll start the new year out on the right foot.
I made a millennial cry by asking him to fold a roadmap.
It's funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side, my roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing.
Who else has this problem? "I want to start eating my meal, but I can't find the perfect TV show to watch while I eat"
Turns out that my get rich painfully slow scheme isn't working out either.
Whenever a little kid asks me to push him on the swing I remind him there are children his age in China making iPhones.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
Can we drive the snakes out of Washington for this St. Patrick's Day?
Don't piss off old people. The older they get, the less Life In Prison becomes a deterrent.
I'd just like to congratulate the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table! They're basically everywhere now!
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Getting gas. I noticed the person before me on pump 3 bought $1 worth. Where the hell were they going? To pump 4?
In 1969 you could buy a gun from a catalog. No background check or ID. No mass shootings. So what happened.
If you’re happy and you know it... wash your hands.
I went to my doctor and asked him who his doctor was, then I switched doctors .
Baby Yoda's first word probably came after his second word
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
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