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What I learned from the Grammys: Lady Gaga SILL terrifies me, Beyonce apparently has seizures while performing, Taylor Swift has some VERY adult teeth in her teen-aged mouth, & Lil Wayne was lookin like a fool with his pants on the ground! 
There are going to be so many Snookis this year for Halloween. I think I will dress up as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face.
thinks that they should change the name of Starbucks to Fivebucks
There needs to be free birth control handed out at welfare offices...agreed??
Prank: Have 10 friends call the same phone # for a week & ask for Jim. Then call it yourself & say “this is Jim, do I have any messages?”
Mexican word of the day: Nacho, Hillary Clinton is Nacho President!
Everytime I enter a Plane I gotta ask the Arab sitting next to me if he Got plans for tomorrow.
i don’t understand why people need to do drugs or party in order to have fun, have you tried mac n cheese
Think about this. Somebody in the world right now couldn't imagine life without you. That alone should give you the strength to smile.
I propose that we abolish marriage and engage in 3 year contracts instead, with the option for renewal.
That moment when you are so drunk that you swerve to miss a tree but then you realize its just an air freshener hanging in your car.
I fell off the bed in the middle of it and she yelled "5 second rule" and kept doing it. I think I'm in love...
My life will not be complete until I've walked away from an explosion in slow motion
I like my women how I like my Italian Cruises. Wet, wrecked and ready to go down.
What is with these married women and their excessively long names on Facebook? I wonder if Michelle Carrie Ann Thompson-Anderson realizes her last name is a f*cking run-on sentence. Trim that sh*t down, b*tch.
would like to thank his liver for all the support, this weekend . . . Couldnt have done it without you, old friend !
Hey ladies its Halloween. Feel free to show off your pumpkins!
Girls: just remember each morning when you put on makeup, somewhere in the world a clown is starting his day doing exactly the same thing.
You don't give up your car when someone else drives drunk! So why would you give up your gun when someone else commits a crime with a gun?!
$2.75 Trojans or $19.99 Huggies?? You make the decision. 