Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Facebook now lets you put a star on a select group of friends.. JUST LIKE HITLER!

   This old lady dropped a grocery bag leaving the store today. My girlfriend told me "Don't just stand there" .....so I started to point and laugh.

   Of course I would die for you honey. Example? Uhhhh.... I would rather jump into an alligator pit and eaten alive, than listen to you B*TCH for another second. How did I do?

   I think they call it the LIFETIME network because when you are forced to watch one of those stupid shows IT SURE SEEMS LIKE IT.

   OK scientists... Bacon flavored soda... and go

   If Eve doomed the entire human race for an apple, what would she do for a Klondike bar?

   My friend told me, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me." So I hit him with a dictionary on his head - that showed him.

   Thanks to the economic crisis, bartending got upgraded from a job to a career.

   MC A of the Beastie Boys has died. I wont be able to sleep until the bury him in Brooklyn.

   Just saw a laundry soap advertisement showing how it can even remove dried up blood stains off of clothing. If you're clothing is covered in dried blood, I'm thinking that's not your biggest problem.

   For the last time people....... I'm not fat! I am just so full of sexy that it over flows... There is a difference!

   Beware: Things get pretty messy when you let a Snickers REALLY satisfy you.

   I spent the afternoon scanning Facebook profile pics and some of you really need to find Jesus.

   Been watching two black guys shake hands for the past 37 minutes.

   Why WOULDN'T you wear a condom when they got that sh!t called "Kids" goin around?

   There's a fine line between a 5pm meeting and a hostage situation.

   My doctor prescribed marijuana for my constipation but said if it didn't work after a week to discontinue using it. Basically he told me to poop or get off the pot.

   How to politely answer to an insult: "I would love to insult you, but I'm afraid I won't do as good as nature did..."

   Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

   It's important to have a good sense of humor right up until someone jokes about something you care about. Then it's okay to kick their ass!