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Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say "Over there." 
Yes, Lets use the little blonde girl in braid ~Hitler~
The things I do to make my wife happy. I'm wearing her underwear. She doesn't know I'm wearing them but when she puts them on this morning she'll think she lost weight.
Laughs, joy, rainbows, outstanding, butterflies, sunlight, weekends, love, cheers, relaxing, Saturdays, extraordinary, hilarious, moonlight, optimistic, peaceful, romance - Just changing my Facebook algorithms with keywords to see happier posts!
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income. me: no problem broker: Where are you currently employed? me: Spirit Halloween
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you're texting while driving.
You seem like the type of person who wears a helmet when you go jogging.
Freudian slips happen to the breast of us.
When someone walks away from me shaking their head, I totally agree.
Most all the women I meet in bars think I have a nice butt. Because as I walk away from them after talking to them. I hear them say "what an ass."
If there is a Little Debbie then that means somewhere out there is Large Deborah and don't dare touch her cakes
Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson just had a baby girl and did not name her 'Pebble.'
Well, looking like Bill Cosby's gonna get to meet Fat Albert, for realz.
It's steak, not stake dumb ass.
I mean really though...Why wash cups when you can just drink out of the jug?
My kid just found an Easter egg in the back yard, if you want to know how often I do yard work.
remember moms, if you smell burnt toast you're not having a stroke...its the kids trying to make breakfast
I'm so old I remember when sex was dirty and the air was clean.
If this new pair of camo crocs doesn't get me laid tonight, nothing will. 