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remember moms, if you smell burnt toast you're not having a stroke...its the kids trying to make breakfast 
I'm so old I remember when sex was dirty and the air was clean.
If this new pair of camo crocs doesn't get me laid tonight, nothing will.
Today has me seriously evaluating my policy of not drinking on the job.
I just applied for a job with the local police. While I wait for their reply, should I start going after criminals or is it too soon?
What dad's really would like for father'r day. To be left alone so they can drink their beer in peace.
I'm at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Last year I received 87 birthday wishes via facebook, text and phone. This year I received 98. That's an increase in popularity by 12.64%. Stocks going up.
If you wake up to pee, don't "take a second" to check your Facebook. It's a trap.
What blood type does a pessimists have? ...... B negative.
We're all 60% water, so get off your high horse "aqua" man
When she told you it was her first time, but then she hit you with the vacuum seal, double hand twist, gawk, gawk combo 3000.
[first date] Him: Let's take the stairs! Me: I think we should see other people.
Why is drake worried if Kiki loves him.. I thought he only loves his bed and his momma
no one could ever hate me half as much as I dont care
I wonder if Flo from the Progressive commercials has a nephew. If she does, I feel kind of bad for him. I mean, its gotta be a little awkward telling his friends that his Aunt Flo is coming to town.
What if you are an atheist, and you're stuck behind a guy with a "Honk if You Love Jesus" bumper sticker at a traffic light?
My dog is one of those trained to sniff drugs!..he's brilliant and can even roll up his own $20 bill.
Never trust a person who doesn't sing along to Bohemian rhapsody when it comes on the radio!
Drinking rum before 10am makes you a pirate, not an alcoholic! 