Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Officer I know I ran that red light but it's okay, I'll just stop twice at the next one. Are we cool?

   Nothing makes crazy people happier than having a microphone.

   Do you want to make a difference? Be different.

   This holiday season there's no better gift than the gift of life. That's why I'm giving every girl I know a baby.

   A man buys his wife a car and she says "Can't you get me something that goes from 0-140 in 3 seconds?" He brought her the bathroom scale.

   I changed my name in my friend's phone to "Marty McFly." Sent him a text saying "We've gotta go back to 1955!" He hasn't texted me back.

   Society needs both optimists and pessimists. For example, an optimist invented the airplane while a pessimist invented the parachute.

   Liking your own status on Facebook is like giving yourself a high five in public...not a good look.

   Don't get chased by your past. Your future always catches up.

   I tried to get over myself, but I'm just too awesome!

   I always bring my phone with me into the grocery store because I'm expecting a very important fake call if I see someone who knows me.

   Ladies: Don't ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to talk about sports, food, or sex. Not in that particular order either.

   Most of you like waking up in the morning..... to see the "com ments" and "likes" that your sta tus received. I like waking up in the morning....... to see.... WTF I po sted!

   Remember to smile at your enemies. It makes you the bigger person, plus your smile will be prettier than their frown. They hate that.

   I like to think all pizzas are personal pizzas.

   You can tell how much you like someone by how strong the urge to check your phone is when you're with them.

   loves a woman in uniform...unless she's in my rearview mirror.

   I don't believe women belong in the kitchen... because men are better at that too.

   was thinking about starting a facebook addiction group, but wouldn't that be like starting an alcoholics annonymous at a bar?

   I got pulled over the other day for weaving. I can't even f*cking sew, let alone weave, especially when I'm that drunk.