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The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures. 
Now we have no excuse to go overseas for foreign oil.. Back To The Future 2 had it right...We should be using Mr. Fusion as a source of power and energy by now! >_<
"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.", Ernest Hemingway
If you were inside my head, A penny for my thoughts would be an overpayment.
I hate how I procrastinate so much that by the time I reach the end of my to-do list, I have to go back and uncheck "laundry."
but officer, the sign says "no shirt, no shoe, no service"...is says NOTHING about pants!
Why would I want to buy grass that grows faster than the grass I already have?!?!??
If I found out I was going to be burned at the stake, I think I'd fill all my pockets with popcorn kernels
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle
only paying for sex if the price seems really, really reasonable.
We all can't be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
It takes 2 to Tango, but a whole bunch of people to do the Electric Slide.
ignored the lawful commands of his alarm clock this morning.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
O how I love coming home to a bum having a full blown conversation with my freakin garbage pails about how they shouldnt be standing in the street because its dangerous and they could get hurt......
waiting for the "hot now" sign to light up at the Krispy Kreme shop..
looks like I picked the wrong week to quit Facebook.
TSA tagline: One man's junk is another man's treasure.
Breed a Labrador Retriever with a Curly Coated Retriever and you get a Lab Coat Retriever. The choice of medical professionals everywhere. 