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A pessimist is a man who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street. 
Decisions are made when I'm tired of thinking.
thinks that if at first you don't succeed, you should pray that your future Honor Roll student takes care of you.
I remember as a kid we had to buy Tiger Beat and mail in a request along with $2 to join the Valerie Bertinelli fan club. Now my kids just do a name search on fb and click "like".
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
My life coach just benched me.
I had 99 problems but I took one down and passed it around.
People who say I am hard to shop for evidently don't know where to buy beer.
always wanted to be somebody. Now she realises that she should have been more specific.
won't break your heart, but I will stunt your growth and limit your potential.
People who always use analogies are like a mosquito in your sleeping bag.
wants to thank the people that posted those 'Yeah Favre Retired!' Status's last week. Thanks to you, I now know who NOT to get my NFL updates from."
I don't think I will ever be mature enough to say ‘make love' without using a funny voice. I usually go with the deep, Spanish accent.
At the rate at which I'm going I doubt if I'll remember the last week of 2010....
Dear reply-to-all sender, we obviously have a mutual friend here and even though I've never met you, I hate you already.
Just farted and it sounded like a baby elephant discovering how to use it's trunk.
It's a known fact that hopping on one leg after stubbing your toe helps to relieve the pain.
I thought they put covers on books SO I could judge them.
When outdoors use the buddy system... if a wild animal approaches push your buddy toward it and run like hell
The postage is outrageous on these mail order brides! 