Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   A woman said to me earlier....... "You're the most sarcastic bstard I know." I said, "Thanks....... That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me."

   What is the appropriate gift to give your woman on your 5th year anniversary..... of the restraining order?

   What I told her is "I'm not your type." What I meant is "I'm outta your league."

   Why didn't they just kill Gilligan on Gilligan's Island? If he hadn't screwed crap up, they could've been off that damn island years before. And what's with Skipper? You don't get that fat eating coconuts. That fat ba$tard is hiding something.

   One of the most exciting things about life is not knowing what's next.

   The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.

   I Dont Care if he's a werewolf, its snowing, and the least he could do is put on a f*cking shirt!

   I think that what I like most about myself is that I'm so understanding when I do something wrong.

   Even though the little kid was having a tantrum, his mom was unphased. "You might as well give up on the crying," I heard her say as she led him to the store exit. "You're stuck with me for 18 years."

   I have give myself a pat on the back. I've been workin' with Ms. Know-it-all for almost two years... and she is still breathin'. :)

   I believe that there will be a war of the sexes one day and the male leader will rally his troops for battle by riding through the ranks shouting, "REMEMBER THE ALIMONYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!

   I need a spring loaded bed so if I don't want to get up, it will just throw me out of it.

   It must've been awkward taking a dump during the Hunger Games, knowing that the whole country could potentially be watching you.

   Who thought it was a good idea to make commercials 5 minutes longer than the actual show you are watching?

   It would be really funny if the GPS changed voices depending on what part of town you are in. YOOO Man, Yawll enturrin da ghetto! teerrrn leffft and' hit up tha likor store beeotch! Nah Nah Nah Nah Yawll misst da teeern. You are reallly dumm. Fur reel.

   A friend of mine bought an iPod Touch. I checked it out... It's just like an iPhone, but you can't make calls. No wait, it's exactly like an iPhone.

   If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

   Not making a Mexican joke today was one of my Gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooals

   I'm putting way too much pressure on my coffee this morning.

   I just realized that I'll never see a genuine ninja...because if I do, it wasn't.