Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Never hate your enemies. It affects your judgment.

   Asses are made to be sat on and not spoken from.

   When Shakespeare invented the word "swag" he did not intend for it to be used the way it's being used today. I guess that's why he also invented the word "assassinate" so we could kill people who misuse that word.

   If Apple and Microsoft weren't competing to see who can make the best phones and tablets, we would already have flying cars and Jet packs by now.

   There is a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

   I swear my alarm clock asked me to karate chop it this morning...

   We have all experienced the pain of watching a slow typer.

   I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.

   If they can put a man on the moon, why can't they put beer in a tit?

   I just pissed so hard a little bit of laugh came out

   Some people need a shock collar. I need the remote.

   I finally got it all together... but I forgot where I put it.

   I've been drunk texting and drunk calling and drunk emailing people all night and I'm not even drunk.

   ► Play The Moments ▌▌ Pause The Memories ■ Stop The Pain ◄◄ Rewind The Happiness.

   When I kill a spider, I don't clean it up, I leave it there so the rest of the spiders know not to mess with me.

   My greatest fear is sitting in front of thousands of people while my Google search history is read aloud.

   Her: I forgot to take my medicine. Me: For your face? Her: No, for my depression. Me: So you're not taking anything for your face?

   I actually hate grocery clerks who ask "paper or plastic." It's like they know I f*ck ugly women.

   You don't truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.

   I accidentally took my girlfriends birth control pills..... As soon as I'm done crying I'm gonna B*TCH you out....... Oh....... I love you! ♥