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Crayons are a lot like M & M's, all the colors taste the same. 
I've heard a lot about Karen lately but what about Felicia. Did she finally leave?
I never thought I’d reach a point in my life where my hands have consumed more alcohol than my mouth.
Pro Tip: Adopt a retired drug dog to help find fun friends at parties.
Remember, after the police have been defunded and you have to shoot intruders, call 811 before you dig. It's the law.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
I've decided to buy a Dallas Cowboys Covid mask. That way I know I won't catch anything.
Everyone told Beethoven he would never be a composer because he was deaf. But did he listen?
My children want a cat for Christmas ... Normally I do a turkey but hey, if it can make them happy!
An easy way to tell people you don't like them is to send them a Xmas card with glitter on it.
Having a non stick pan with a sticker stuck on it saying non stick pan is one of the reasons I don’t think humans deserve control over earth
If my dog has taught me anything it's if you're tired just lie down anywhere
Grandpa: In my day we worked three times as hard. Me: In your day soda contained cocaine.
Cable guys was just in my neighborhood, asked me what time it was.. I said between 8am-1pm..
Epstein likes his women like he likes his scotch. 12 years old with coke.
Get rid of the "quality check" section on the Domino's pizza tracker. I know what I'm getting myself into here.
I once ran a Half Marathon. Well, I say that because it sounds better than saying I collapsed and almost died halfway through a Full Marathon.
There is no logical reason why short pants should cost the same as long pants. 