Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
NBA All Star Game: Fergie sang that National Anthem so bad, Collin Kaepernick stood up and told her not to disrespect the Anthem like that. 
This dentist just told me I need a crown, and it's a relief to finally start getting some recognition around here.
If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it my illegal logging operation is a success.
At this point, the only guy on the internet that I trust with my personal data is that Nigerian Prince.
I once ran a Half Marathon. Well, I say that because it sounds better than saying I collapsed and almost died halfway through a Full Marathon.
There is no logical reason why short pants should cost the same as long pants.
I just saw the neighbor's kid trying to spray whipped cream on his cat. I'm thinking he overheard something last night in that house he wasn't supposed to.
I don't think this solar eclipse thing is going to happen. I think they just want us to put on these special glasses so we don't see the meteor coming...
Cutting a hole in the bottom of a table with a saw to steal a pie is way harder than it looks in cartoons.
You can't make this stuff up? Actually, you can... it's called lying.
Actually I don't think it would be all that hard to get out of a pickle.
ME: “We have a problem, the liquor store is closed.” HER: “That's ok, I don’t drink.” ME: “Ok we have two problems.”
Just swallowed a probiotic with a vodka tonic in case anyone is looking for a health coach.
My son screamed like a little girl when he saw a spider so no paternity test was needed.
Just bought a new picture frame to hang a photo in my wall that came with a stock photo of a really beutiful family that reminds me of a lot of my facebook friends, who I dont know either.
You laugh at my fanny pack until you need some damn ibuprofen
Her: "Let's watch a good horror movie tonight!" Me: "OK!" **Breaks out wedding video** And that's when the fight started...
Today's tip of the Day: When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance. Me: Same
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star. 