SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   The downside of fame? I can't walk out of a nice restaurant without immediately getting harassed and hounded by a waiter holding the bill.

   There is a big difference between drinking to get drunk and drinking to stay warm, and HR needs to learn that difference.

   What happens to the show 'Finding Bigfoot' once they do?

   People who say they don't have any problems are lying to you, but at least give them credit for not telling you about them.

   "Woman impregnated at Motorhead concert seeks father on Craigslist." And they say romance is dead

   Don't think of yourself as a failure, think of yourself as unspoiled by success.

   Hand sanitizer is the best way to find invisible cuts on your hands.

   I don't have mistletoe this year, so we'll just have to kiss under the influence.

   Hey, everybody under 25 just shut up for like FIVE minutes.

   Only true friends go straight to your fridge when they go to your house.

   Turns out, if your boss is mad at you, playing a surprise game of "Got Your Nose" will NOT ease the tension.

   I don't keep a gun in my house but I do have a carefully positioned cactus.

   Paperclip: The staple for people with commitment issues.

   I smiled today. I'm going to be so sore tomorrow!

   Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and no one asks what is wrong with you.

   If it wasn't for my incredible willpower, I would be exercising right now.

   You call it lazy, But I call it selective participation.

   People who bring their own bags to the grocery store always look like they're waiting for applause.

   Ever look around the room at your family and think to yourself "it's amazing I turned out as good as I did." Then realize you said it aloud?

   How exactly is carrying a screaming two year old different from playing the bagpipes?