Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Carrot cakes sounds like it shouldn't be a real thing

   I think that the trouble I have with trouble is that it usually starts out as fun.

   I'm about as motivated as a Denny's employee.

   Having it all together is not my style.

   I've given out the same candy for over 5 Halloweens now. It's a Jolly Rancher... on a string.

   Had to have the 'Drugs' talk with the teenage son the other night... had to warn him how easily he could get ripped off...

   I ruined somebodys life today... They stole my identity.

   Let's team up! With my looks and personality and intelligence and talent and your drink money, there'll be no stopping us!

   I am in a prison for something I didn't do. I didn't run fast enough.

   Lifting the toilet seat AND putting it back down are 2 steps. If women really want equality, they're going to have to take on a step here.

   Can't believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn't using the slogan "Once you go black, you don't go back." - some hooker

   Thongs are the mullet of the underwear world: business in the front, party in the back.

   If a guy don't text you back, he's probably reading the bible or volunteering at an animal shelter. Men don't cheat, idk who lied to y'all.

   If Axel Rose don't say, "Down on your sha, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, knees." before getting a BJ... then he's not as cool as I thought he was.

   Kick the tires and light the fires, Israel. No point in waiting for a supportive US president now. Go Nuke Iran.

   I didn't call you fat; I said wicker furniture normally doesn't scream like that.

   Screw you IHOP...why the hell am I banned? The waitress clearly asked me where I wanted the whipped cream... I just showed her.

   Ladies, I'm already fat, so you know what I'll look like after we get married.

   Still trying to figure out who defriended me...

   Yeah I called her up, she gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her, or something, I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.