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It's Fathers Day 2mmrw... Ladies plz don't start bashing the whole male species! If ya baby daddy ain't sh*t, you picked him! 
so T-Mobile calls me up and asks "what do you want for a cell phone company" ? So I tell him.... A blow up doll that doesn't fart and fly out the window when you bite her neck.......she hung up!..... I guess they didn't REALLY want to know!
Can you imagine all the wierd stuff that would going on in the world if everyone who was "following their dreams," did so after one of those late night spicy pizza dreams?
I'll take "Things that a crackhead would steal" for $600, Alex.
Well aren't you a waste of two billion years of evolution.
Angry Birds is going to be turned into an animated series. If it's anything like the game an episode will be 30 seconds long, played 20 times in a row, and sure to piss people off.
I believe in love at first sight....which is exactly why I stopped looking homeless people in the eyes. Just cant risk it.
going to take a picture of his first kid and use age progression software to figure out what he'll look like when he's 16. Then I'm going to frame the picture and keep it as a centrepiece in the house. Then when the appropriate time comes and he realiz
I'm not sure why I involuntarily fart while I pee but I'm pretty glad I don't involuntarily pee when I fart.
Do nudists refer to their genitals as "privates" or "publics"?
Facebook should just change the status question from "What's on your mind?" to "What's your problem today?" ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶*´¨`*:.☆
If you have an album in your facebook photo page, titled...WeDdInG pHoToS!!!! You my have been too young to marry.
I had to take back my OJ Simpson Halloween costume because the glove didn't fit.
My Hamster passed today, he fell asleep at the wheel....
When Eminem, wrote Recovery, obviously he wanted to Recover. Akon wrote Freedom, because he wanted freedom. And Justin Bieber wrote boyfriend, hhmmmm......
My downstairs neighbor's 3 favorite movies of all time... 3.) “10,000,000 Explosions” 2.) “Army Guys Yelling At Each Other” 1.) “Subwoofer: The Movie”
Tip: Before asking if someone is pregnant, make sure he's a woman.
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I'm gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
What's the appropriate cutoff age for playing in an inflatable bouncy house? Please let me know ASAP as this will impact my weekend plans.
There's no need to rush. If something's meant to be, it'll happen in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason. 