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Girls can't teabag... it's called teacupping. 
Seeing yet another deer crash into a car reminds me that one of us needs to tell all deer that it's time to stop texting.
Drinking alone: The combination of my two favorite things.
greeting all the Single People a very Happy Independence Day!!
difficulty trusting someone with colored contacts...they have already lied to me once.
Vulnerability is the last thing I want you to see in me, and the first thing I look for in you.
We have the laziest Easter Bunny here....He didn't bother cooking or coloring the eggs and he hid them all in my fridge.
I love long legs.... Long sexy legs..... But not on a Spider, I hate long sexy legs on a Spider.
Kids have so many food allergies these days. In 15 years you'll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
No matter how bad life seems, just remember,,, You can order live bees on the internet.
Why is it that people who are the most vocal about demanding respect are the ones who have done the least to earn it?
Four-time NASCAR Sprint Cup champion Jeff Gordon announced that this will be his final season of racing. You could tell it was time for him to retire during his last race when he had his blinker on the whole time.
Um, Yes, despite your 5 divorces by 35, all the men you date are pigs.
I love my kid but I'm still going to eat his fries when he goes to the bathroom then lie to his face about it.
I was gonna throw an Earth Day party but I forgot to planet.
Calling it Jerk Chicken is rude. Maybe it had a rough childhood, you don't know.
Kanye be like "Beyonce should have won that fight."
Learn how to spell.
Walked into a public washroom and it sounded like someone was power-lifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Sometimes, I do the opposite of what my GPS tells me to do just to hear the the slight panic in it's robotic voice. 