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4 out of 5 fingers agree that you're a good driver. 
I see a couple of police cars were wrecked during last night's riots in Baltimore. Rather short-sighted of the black community, ruining 1 of their methods of public transport like that.
When I get home the first thing I'm going to do is rip my wife's panties off. Because they're too small and the elastic is killing me.
Man was sent to Earth to suffer, Woman was sent to Earth to make sure it happens.
I met a cute girl in the tampon section, so I asked her if I could take her out in 5 to 7 days.
If you can't be the reason behind her smile, at least be the reason she walks funny for a while!
Some females have more drama than a van full of drag queens on their way to a wig sale.
Women will get botox, wax their legs, pierce their nipples and clit, pluck their eyebrows...but they won't do anal because THAT hurts?
typing the postcodes of nudist colonies into Google Earth and pressing 'zoom'.
I miss the days when $20 was enough to fill the tank....and pay for the hooker...
Men Fart more Than Women Simply Becasue Women Can't Shut Up Long Enough To Build Up The Required Pressure !!!
What is it about warm weather that compels people to blast really loud, annoying bass lines out of their car stereos? You can't even hear what song they're playing except for, "DOUCHE-DOUCHE DOOOOUCHE! DOUCHE-DOUCHE DOOOOUCHE!"
Just think how interesting facebook would be if there was a "cheating on spouse with _______" relationship status
100% of my regrets will be when my friends find out exactly where I've been stealing 100% of my statuses. #Faaak!
love a girl with a trimmed bush because it makes it easier to see into her window at night.
If you get angry, just relax, take a deep breath and count to ten, unless you're angry about oxygen and numbers.
Thinks that if someone says plz because it's shorter than please, you should say no because it's shorter than yes.
When I die...the one thing I hope God says to me when I get to heaven......"Don't worry.....she's not coming".
What do women want? The opposite of whatever they have.
Be careful when getting on Facebook! Side effects may include; mood swings, constant crying, finding love, tired fingers, loss of friends, divorce, it's complicated, loss of time, starving family, dirty home, and too much drama!!! 