Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Some day I will climb into the back of a taxi in the pouring rain and the driver will say "Where to buddy?" and I will say "Just drive."

   When I sense that some one is talking down to me I like to see just how dumb I can act.

   I want a car that runs on the tears I shed at the gas pump.

   0 mutual friends, you're not even from my country, how the f*ck did you find me!?

   Avoid arguments on facebook with someone who types faster than you...

   It's not a real relationship until you secretly start to hate each other.

   If you are the one who stole my computer yesterday, please disregard the folder labeled, "Nature photographs." Thanks.

   I just saw a gang of really drunk mosquitoes leave my arm and high-five each other. Weird.

   I had a very akwrd moment in the checkout line today. I grazed a lady's boob... It was embarrassing for both of us and the two people between us too.

   If people came with warning labels they wouldn't be too much different than drug labels: May cause drowsiness, persistent headaches, may reduce the urge to live..... If symptoms persist apply the nearest foot to their ass.

   New T.V. show idea... BEER FACTOR. "How many beers do you think it will take to get him/her to eat this bug?"

   I choose to be different because being normal is boring.

   Road rage and profanity: The breakfast of champions.

   When I won the Lotto, I decided to share it with my ex. "I won the Lotto, you Slut," I shouted over the phone.

   Note to self: Don't taunt the neighbor's bull dog while wearing flip flops.

   If a guy takes Viagra and his erection does last more than 4 hours, do you HONESTLY think he calls his doctor to complain or does he go through his phone and line up his booty calls???

   I have auto-correct for my voice. It's called my girlfriend.

   My girlfriend just cleaned out her purse. So, she'll be having a garage sale later this week.

   If I haven't insulted you, pissed you off, or raised feelings of irritation yet... just give me a bit more time.

   Marriage is nature's way of keeping people from fighting with strangers.